If children rely on the nervous systems of the adults around them to return to calm, then we are the most important regulation tool they have.
This sentence can feel heavy when you first read it.
For many parents, it lands with a mix of truth, pressure, and What if I get it wrong?
But this isn’t about blame.
It’s about understanding the role you already play — and learning how to use it with confidence, clarity, and kindness.
Children Borrow Calm Before They Can Create It
Children are not born with the ability to regulate their emotions, bodies, and stress responses on their own. That skill develops slowly, over years, through thousands of everyday interactions.
Before a child can calm themselves, they borrow calm from someone else.
That borrowing happens through:
Your tone of voice
Your facial expression
Your body language
Your pace
Your emotional steadiness in the moment
When a child is overwhelmed, their nervous system is not looking for logic or consequences.
It is looking for safety.
And safety is communicated nervous system to nervous system, not word to word.
Why “Just Calm Down” Never Works
When a child is dysregulated, their brain is not in a place where reasoning is accessible. They are not choosing to be difficult. Their body is signalling distress.
This is why phrases like:
“Calm down”
“You’re fine”
“Stop overreacting”
“Use your words”
often escalate the situation rather than settle it.
The child’s nervous system hears these as pressure, not support.
What actually helps is an adult who can:
Stay grounded
Slow the moment
Offer presence before solutions
This is where co-regulation comes in.
Co-Regulation Is Not Giving In
One of the biggest misunderstandings parents face is the fear that responding calmly to distress is “rewarding bad behaviour”.
It isn’t.
Co-regulation is not permissive.
It is developmentally appropriate support.
It teaches a child:
What calm feels like in the body
That big feelings can be survived
That support exists before independence
Self-regulation grows out of co-regulation — not instead of it.
Where the Hourglass of Regulation™ Fits
This is exactly why the Hourglass of Regulation™ exists.
Parents often ask:
“What should I do right now?”
“Are we making progress?”
“Why does my child cope sometimes but not others?”
The Hourglass provides a clear bridge between:
What your child’s nervous system is capable of right now
What kind of support will actually help in this moment
How regulation skills develop over time
Instead of reacting to behaviour, the Hourglass helps you respond to capacity.
You Are the Bridge — Not the Fixer
The most important reframe for parents is this:
You are not responsible for controlling your child’s emotions.
You are responsible for providing the conditions in which regulation can return.
That means:
You don’t need to be perfectly calm
You don’t need to have all the answers
You don’t need to fix every feeling
You simply need to be regulated enough to offer safety.
And when you’re not?
That matters too — because children also learn from repair.
The Quiet Power of Everyday Moments
Regulation isn’t built in big emotional moments alone.
It’s shaped in the small, ordinary parts of the day:
The way you greet your child after school
How you handle transitions
How you respond when plans change
Whether your child feels rushed or supported
Each interaction creates a ripple.
Over time, those ripples build the internal structures your child will one day use independently.
This Is Responsibility — But Also Hope
Yes, this role carries responsibility.
But it also carries immense hope.
Because it means:
You already have influence
You already matter more than any tool or strategy
Change does not rely on your child “trying harder”
It starts with understanding when to step in, how to support, and when to step back.
The Hourglass of Regulation™ was created to make this visible — so parents no longer feel lost, reactive, or unsure.
You don’t have to avoid the world.
You don’t have to toughen your child up.
You don’t have to get it right every time.
You just need a framework that helps you meet your child where they are — and guide them, gently, toward where they’re ready to go.