Discipline Means to Teach, Not to Punish
When children are struggling, many parents find themselves asking the same quiet question:
“Shouldn’t they know better by now?”
It’s a question often shaped by exhaustion, outside expectations, and long-held ideas about discipline. But when we pause and look more closely at child development, a different picture begins to emerge.
One that reframes discipline not as punishment — but as teaching.
A Gentle Reframe of Discipline
Daniel J. Siegel offers a powerful reminder:
“Too often we forget that discipline really means to teach, not to punish.
A disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioural consequences.”
When we view children as learners rather than rule-breakers, our response naturally shifts.
Children are not born knowing how to manage big emotions, cope with frustration, or navigate social demands. These skills are learned slowly, over time, through experience, guidance and support.
Discipline (teaching), in its truest sense, is part of that learning process.
Why Mistakes Often Misses the Mark
When a child is overwhelmed, their nervous system is working hard to manage stress. In these moments:
the thinking part of the brain is less accessible
emotional responses are stronger
impulse control is reduced
Perceived punishment may stop a behaviour temporarily, but it doesn’t teach the child what to do instead. It can also lead to childhood trauma patterns, especially when coupled with physical or emotional abuse. More importantly, perceived punishment increases anxiety, and it doesn’t help the nervous system return to a calm, regulated state where learning can actually occur.
This is why repeated consequences often feel ineffective, because in reality, the child is not in a position to absorb the lesson being offered.
Teaching Through Connection
Teaching regulation begins with connection through relationship.
When adults stay calm, present and supportive, children are more able to:
feel safe in their body
process what just happened
learn from the experience
practise different responses next time
This doesn’t mean removing boundaries.
It means delivering boundaries with guidance rather than fear.
Clear expectations, consistent routines, and compassionate responses all work together to create an environment where learning is possible.
What Teaching Looks Like in Everyday Moments
Teaching regulation may look like:
naming feelings without judgement
modelling calm during moments of stress
guiding children through problem-solving rather than correcting after the fact
offering support first, then gradually encouraging independence
These moments don’t need to be perfect. They simply need to be repeated.
Over time, children begin to internalise what they have experienced externally.
A Kinder Way Forward
If discipline feels hard right now, it may help to pause and ask a different question:
“What is my child still learning?”
This perspective doesn’t excuse behaviour, it explains it.
And explanation is the starting point for growth.
This understanding also sits at the heart of the Regulation Hourglass framework, which views regulation as a developmental journey supported through teaching, modelling and co-regulation rather than punishment.
When we teach with patience and clarity, children don’t just behave differently, they learn how to feel safer, calmer and more capable over time.
A Reassuring Reminder
You are not expected to get this right all the time.
Teaching happens across thousands of small, everyday moments, not in one perfect response.
When discipline is rooted in teaching through relationship, learning follows.
And learning takes time…